See Men?

WE WERE SENT THIS OFFICIAL NOTICE FROM ST. ANDREW’S UNIVERSITY.

Please click to enlarge image. It reads as follows:

“Masturbation Notice

Masturbation in the library toilet is a violation of the University of St Andrews Library Regulations

The recently refurbished toilet floors are not designed to handle your semen!

The excessive amount of semen on the floor cost thousands of pounds to be removed professionally and must be reflected in tuition fee rises for next year.

It’s your money.

Please go home and masturbate if you are bored.

Please enquire at the Library Help Desk if you have any questions. Thank your for your cooperation”

I don’t know about you, but this notice raised quite a few questions in my mind. First of all — there are actual, professional semen removal companies? The next question is the obvious one — if you just bought a new floor, why did you not get one that could handle the excessive semen?

Third question: toilet cleaning comes out of tuition budget? Fourth question: is this excessive semen problem restricted to the library toilet? What kind of publications are available there? Fifth question: The university are remiss in not taking the opportunity of requesting wankers to wash their hands before leaving the toilet to handle books.

Things are getting worse when universities cannot see a better way to solve a “situation” than a badly conceived “notice”. The statement, “It’s your money” allows the student to justify the act. Think about it, if only 1 per cent leave a sticky floor, 100% pay for it in increased fees. Economies of scale come into play, meaning it is individually cheaper for the wanker to let everyone chip in next year.

My final question has to be, how bad is this semen problem for goodness sake? Surely a quick mop round would clean things up? What on earth is this all about really?

New Chocolate Marketing

IN A LOCAL SUPERMARKET I WAS SURPRISED BY THE NEW CHOCOLATE MARKETING APPROACH.

I couldn’t help myself from taking a snap on my cameraphone. Click on image to enlarge.

The top shelf, from the left has:

• Emergency Chocolate
• Bochox
• Girth Control
• 50% hers (Marital Bliss Bar)

They have got the packaging spot on, making the Bochox look like Botox, and I have to say, it made me laugh.

But then, things are getting worse when we need to find a way to sell us chocolate! Is it really necessary?

D+ Stress

I WAS STRUCK BY THIS NOTICE IN A HIGH SCHOOL & TOOK A PHOTOGRAPH USING MY CAMERAPHONE.

Click to enlarge image. It reads:

“Youth Stress Centre

Aromatheraphy Massage
Reiki
Self-Esteem
Relaxation
Reflexology
Stress Management
Anger Management

Appointments available at
Castlemilk Stress Centre
109 Stravanan Road
(above the shops)
Call us on 630 0111

MONDAY’S 6.00-8.30
WEDNESDAY’S 6.30-8.30

Funded by The National Lottery
NHS Greater Glasgow”

Where do I start? I have a problem with children going above shops for a massage.  This did not happen in my day, and I am not convinced it ought to happen today.

If  we overlook the terrible use of the apostrophe, the hours appear to indicate very early morning, before school starts.  On the other hand, perhaps it is meant to be PM  rather than AM or 24 hour clock, it is difficult to know for sure.  As Castlemilk is a very deprived and rough council estate, getting the times correct would be important, especially if one wanted to have less stress.

I do not understand how this can be part of the NHS, and yet receive funding from the National Lottery. I also do not understand how things like Reiki can be available under the auspices of either body when it is not recognised.  The Roman Catholic Church, for example, has outlawed Reiki practices as heretical and blasphemous!

• According to William T. Jarvis, Ph.D., of The National Council Against Health Fraud, there “is no evidence that clinical Reiki’s effects are due to anything other than suggestion” or the placebo effect.

Things are getting worse when school children are receiving early morning or late night hocus pocus to cope with “stress” all paid for by the Lottery and NHS. What will they do when they go to university or college — or later when they get a job? What will they do when they have real stress to deal with?

Would they not be better teaching children how to cope with their own stress, how to manage themselves without visiting a massage parlour in one of the biggest council estate black-spots in western Europe?

Curved Ball

I WAS SAD TO SEE A NOTICE REGARDING A PREMISES IN SHAWLANDS ARCADE.

It was for Curves – a workout gym for women. The poor souls could not open for business due to incompetence from Scottish Power.

Read the notice for yourself. Click on the image to enlarge.

It states:

Dear Members

Scottish Power cannot fit out new meter until Wednesday morning. We have pleaded with them to fix it sooner without success.  They have given us a timescale of 8am – 1pm . We will open immediately on installation of the meter. We are sorry for this disruption to your workouts & thank you so much for your patience. Please call Curves Paisley: 0141 887 5222 for details of neighbouring clubs you can use.

Things are getting worse when businesses can be disrupted in this way, when people (customers) can be disrupted like this.  Why do we all — domestic and commercial — put up with such poor service?

Yo-Yo Diet Mags

I FINALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT’S GOING ON WITH YO-YO DIETS.

It is a conspiracy between the slimming diet industry, the media and ordinary, gullible women. They tell you of the latest diet craze, even if it is the exact opposite of the truth, science, or even next month’s new diet craze.

Here’s a perfect example:

“THE CARB LOVER’S DIET”

(tick) Feel full and flatten your tum!

(tick) Lose 6lb this week

(tick) Eat crisps, drink wine!”

There is even a picture of a gorgeous young model tucking into a plate of pasta! Honestly!

This diet will definitely make you fatter, and so you will buy in to the next diet.

If you are interested in the history of dieting and manipulation, click here. If you cannot be bothered following the link or reading up, then let me just say that it is not a simple energy-in, energy-out equation; you can put AAA batteries in your car’s petrol tank, but it’s not the same effect as putting petrol in there. Sure, you put in a lot of energy, but it is the form that the energy takes — whether it is a carbohydrate, starch, fibre, sugar, alcohol, protein, or fat.

The only diet that has been scientifically proven to help you lose weight is one that reduces/ controls the available carbohydrates.  That flies in the face of the Carb Lover’s Diet!

People get exploited because there is a lot of confusion about health and well being goals.  Trying to lose weight is not the same thing as becoming aerobically fitter, stronger, or even healthier.  A healthy diet is not the same as the diet of an athlete or slimmer.  Things are getting worse when the gullible can be so easily exploited!

Brrr-Bikini

TODAY, PARKED ON SAUCHIEHALL STREET WAS A MOBILE BILLBOARD ADVERTISING A PARTY AT A CITY NIGHTCLUB.

It states:

“Free entry in beachwear before 11.30pm”

Let me remind you that this is Glasgow city centre in the wettest April on record, which is also windy and cold.  I know there’s a recession on, but really!

Things are getting worse when people to turn up and queue outside this nightclub in a bikini or trunks simply to gain free entry.

Deep Fried Proles

THE GLASWEGIAN DIET IS FAMOUS FOR DEEP FRYING EVERYTHING.

Probably the most disgusting example is the Deep Fried Mars Bar.  No wonder we have such a bad health record. I noticed a cheap electric stainless steel counter-top deep fat fryer in a local shop the other day.

“Turn on for style” is the tag-line. Yeah, right.

Click on the image to obtain a larger view.

Can you see the brand name.  It is “Prolex”, but the way it is shown, it definitely looks like “Prole” is quite distinct from the St Andrew’s Cross. Yes, this is is aimed at the Proles who live in Scotland.

Things are getting worse when being common/ working class is actively marketed.  This is basically saying, “You are poor, eat chips and fry your Mars bars at home”.

Tough Baby Change

WE ALL KNOW GLASGOW IS TOUGH.

The city used to have a reputation for gang violence, and in recent times has been known as the “Murder Capital of Europe” due to knife crime.

Nevertheless, I was somewhat surprised to see notices in the baby changing area of a local supermarket’s toilet. Please click on the image to enlarge.

The first one that caught my eye was the notice headed, “Knife and Stab Wounds”.  I thought: how inappropriate above a baby change table in an accessible toilet! Things are getting worse indeed when such notices are so clearly remind us of where we are and how we live.

They seem to be expecting trouble at this store.  Good grief! This, by the way, is the same supermarket that employs “Antisocial Lighting” in the Ladies.

Ouch, Ook, Heck

I WAS CONFUSED BY A WOMEN’S HEALTH POSTER I SAW RECENTLY.

I think it was supposed to be a play on the phrase, Tender Loving Care, often abbreviated to TLC.

The poster designers then changed it to read, Touch, Look, Check as a way to remember how to check breasts for lumps. However, due to the choice of font and the colour scheme, what stood out was “Ouch, Ook, Heck” — which, strangely, may be more realistic than the designers intended.

Bad for Baby

I RECEIVED AN E-MAIL AND JUST HAD TO SHARE HERE THE  SCANNED NEWSPAPER CLIPPING FROM 2004 THAT WAS ATTACHED.

It’s from the Roanoke Times, and is captioned:

“Mellissa Williamson, 35, a Bullit Avenue resident, worries about the

effect on her unborn child from the sound of jackhammers”

Please double click on the picture to enlarge. The thing that immediately captures us in this country today is the fact that she has been snapped outside, in full pregnant profile, having a smoke of a cigarette.  Is she going outside to smoke? The road seems busy too; that looks like a busy junction — that would be a worry too.  Then there’re all the big cables swinging about above her head — ought she to start worrying about them?  The look like electricity cables.  I don’t give her child much chance of survival in that environment.

That’s only six years ago, but even so, back then we knew what would happen if this picture was published here — there would be an outcry against the mother-to-be for smoking.  Clearly, in this case, the picture is supposed to garner sympathy for the poor woman.

Maybe things are not getting worse, when compared with foreign parts, we can often come out being better.