Winter Fashion Special

THIS IS OUR FIRST EVER WINTER FASHION SPECIAL AT GETTING WORSE.

We have carried out a comprehensive study* of the current trends, and can reveal that this winter’s big thing is the red dress.

*a quick look along the newsagent’s display of women’s magazine covers. The photograph proves our findings. So if you do not want things to be getting worse, if you want to be bang up to the minute fashion-wise at Christmas, then WEAR RED.

You heard it here first (although it does work for Santa)!

Ma Sleeping Bag

I WAS SURPRISED TO DISCOVER A SUPERMARKET SHELF FULL OF MUMMY SLEEPING BAGS.

Poor old Mum! I thought. For the life of me, I couldn’t find a daddy Sleeping bag area.

Things are getting worse when mothers get their own range of sleeping bags — and indeed, Tesco Value sleeping bags at that. Let’s hope mums don’t have to use them this Christmas!

NCP Tackle Homelessness

I WAS PLEASED TO SEE THAT A CITY CENTRE CAR PARK HAS PROVIDED THE HOMELESS WITH A PLACE TO STAY.

I took a picture with my cameraphone. Click on the image to enlarge.

It shows a wheelie bin outside the car park.  The bin is filled and overflowing. On the side is written

NCP
REFUGE
ONLY

It is so nice to know that there is a refuge at the NCP. I had always thought of those wheely bins as being for Refuse or Rubbish, and it would certainly seem to be the case that some silly person has mixed up Refuse with refuge and filled the wheely bin with refuse! I do hope this doesn’t inconvenience the homeless people using the bin as refuge at this time of year.

See Men?

WE WERE SENT THIS OFFICIAL NOTICE FROM ST. ANDREW’S UNIVERSITY.

Please click to enlarge image. It reads as follows:

“Masturbation Notice

Masturbation in the library toilet is a violation of the University of St Andrews Library Regulations

The recently refurbished toilet floors are not designed to handle your semen!

The excessive amount of semen on the floor cost thousands of pounds to be removed professionally and must be reflected in tuition fee rises for next year.

It’s your money.

Please go home and masturbate if you are bored.

Please enquire at the Library Help Desk if you have any questions. Thank your for your cooperation”

I don’t know about you, but this notice raised quite a few questions in my mind. First of all — there are actual, professional semen removal companies? The next question is the obvious one — if you just bought a new floor, why did you not get one that could handle the excessive semen?

Third question: toilet cleaning comes out of tuition budget? Fourth question: is this excessive semen problem restricted to the library toilet? What kind of publications are available there? Fifth question: The university are remiss in not taking the opportunity of requesting wankers to wash their hands before leaving the toilet to handle books.

Things are getting worse when universities cannot see a better way to solve a “situation” than a badly conceived “notice”. The statement, “It’s your money” allows the student to justify the act. Think about it, if only 1 per cent leave a sticky floor, 100% pay for it in increased fees. Economies of scale come into play, meaning it is individually cheaper for the wanker to let everyone chip in next year.

My final question has to be, how bad is this semen problem for goodness sake? Surely a quick mop round would clean things up? What on earth is this all about really?

The World is Scary

WITH HALLOWEEN COMING UP, I THOUGHT I WOULD SHARE SOME PICTURES SENT TO US.

We do not usually do this as there are plenty of websites out there that do this sort of thing so much better. However, rules have exceptions, and this year ours are as follows:

First of all is a set of small screwdrivers.  Even given the fact that they may be made in a  non-English-speaking environment, the declaration defies a logical mistranslation-based explanation.

NOT TO BE INSERTED INTO PENIS

That is (always) good advice.

The second one caught my eye, because we are not supposed to use the word “Disabled”, so — for example, a disabled toilet is now to be known as an “accessible toilet”.

This sort of thing will surely play havoc with translations in years to come. In our next picture, we have “Deformed Person”.

The final one is the old favourite — public notices that have bad grammar or poor spelling.

What makes this one funnier is that it is black people in the USA with protest boards upon which they make reference to Martin Luther King Jr’s famous “I have a Dream” speech.

Dr King wanted black people to be educated equally with whites.  As the picture taken of a TV screen shows, black people in America are now just as badly educated as white folks.  They cannot even spell the word, DREAM on placards used in a public and televised protest. Ironic.

Things may be getting worse round here, but the world out there is a scary place too. Happy Halloween!

 

D+ Stress

I WAS STRUCK BY THIS NOTICE IN A HIGH SCHOOL & TOOK A PHOTOGRAPH USING MY CAMERAPHONE.

Click to enlarge image. It reads:

“Youth Stress Centre

Aromatheraphy Massage
Reiki
Self-Esteem
Relaxation
Reflexology
Stress Management
Anger Management

Appointments available at
Castlemilk Stress Centre
109 Stravanan Road
(above the shops)
Call us on 630 0111

MONDAY’S 6.00-8.30
WEDNESDAY’S 6.30-8.30

Funded by The National Lottery
NHS Greater Glasgow”

Where do I start? I have a problem with children going above shops for a massage.  This did not happen in my day, and I am not convinced it ought to happen today.

If  we overlook the terrible use of the apostrophe, the hours appear to indicate very early morning, before school starts.  On the other hand, perhaps it is meant to be PM  rather than AM or 24 hour clock, it is difficult to know for sure.  As Castlemilk is a very deprived and rough council estate, getting the times correct would be important, especially if one wanted to have less stress.

I do not understand how this can be part of the NHS, and yet receive funding from the National Lottery. I also do not understand how things like Reiki can be available under the auspices of either body when it is not recognised.  The Roman Catholic Church, for example, has outlawed Reiki practices as heretical and blasphemous!

• According to William T. Jarvis, Ph.D., of The National Council Against Health Fraud, there “is no evidence that clinical Reiki’s effects are due to anything other than suggestion” or the placebo effect.

Things are getting worse when school children are receiving early morning or late night hocus pocus to cope with “stress” all paid for by the Lottery and NHS. What will they do when they go to university or college — or later when they get a job? What will they do when they have real stress to deal with?

Would they not be better teaching children how to cope with their own stress, how to manage themselves without visiting a massage parlour in one of the biggest council estate black-spots in western Europe?

The Mask

I WAS STRUCK BY SOMETHING ON A LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL NOTICE BOARD.

It shows a group of children, in a “before and after” scenario. The Before has all four kids in red hooded tops with white masks.  The one below is clearly meant to be the same chaps without masks… except one of them definitely wants to keep his true identity top secret.

Click image to enlarge.

Perhaps his family are on a witness protection program?  Or maybe he looks like that in real like (and that is NO mask)? Will we ever find out?

Donut Shock News

WE WERE SENT THIS SNAPSHOT OF A US TELEVISION NEWS BULLETIN.

It took us a while to see what the fuss was, and then we noticed the tagline below the picture behind the newsreader.

Click Picture to Enlarge.

In case you can’t see it, it says:

“Wheat Donut / Krisy Kreme Doughnuts / So Good You’ll Suck Dick”

Things are getting worse when news programmes show such things before the watershed (if they have one in the US).  How terrible for the parents to have to explain this act to their children after the evening news.

Elephant Saving Kitchen Paper

I WAS STOPPED DEAD IN MY TRACKS BY THE CLAIMS ON THIS PRODUCT IN MY LOCAL SUPERMARKET.

It states that — by simply buying their kitchen roll — you could save African Elephants!

No one wants to harm African elephants, which is (by implication) what you would be doing by either buying some other brand of kitchen roll, or simply by not buying this Thirst Pockets brand of kitchen roll.

Things are getting bad when the future of African elephants lies in the balance and depends on you  and your shopping decisions.

Holy Street!

AMAZINGLY, NO ONE WAS HARMED WHEN THE STREET CAVED IN TODAY.

I was walking along Renfield Street, and right at the corner where the old ABC cinema used to be, the road simply collapsed!

It was big enough to drop a full-length family car waiting to turn left onto Renfield Street!  Things are getting worse when roads can suddenly cave in.

In 2007, the road outside the Citizens’ Theatre collapsed as a result of a burst water main, ironically while “The Tempest” was being performed (see Clipped News Article).  Glasgow’s infrastructure was shown to be crumbling and in dire need of investment.  The pot holes cannot be making things any better. Thing sare definitely getting worse when pavements and roads can simply and suddenly cave in without warning!